ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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