just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
