when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I could fuck to npr.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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