The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
