I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
