and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
