:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She bit a glass in half.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
