that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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