The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
