Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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