wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
