My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Randomize