just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
