apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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