if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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