Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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