on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
