i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
In America we eat man semen.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize