I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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