If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
