this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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