Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
