My friends, they love my intelligence
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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