I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
