Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
