I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
