I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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