come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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