party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
