Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
