life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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