but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
