my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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