Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
