There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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