Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
