So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
