the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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