There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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