can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
