something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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