I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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