I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
