Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
