8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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