You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
