The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
