So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
did you just send me my own nude
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize