sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize