those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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