Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize