Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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