apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
