3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I need a burrito and a hug.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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