I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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