it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
